Immediate help
When the problem is not the marriage, it is safety
Quick answer
If your relationship involves violence, threats, control or fear, the priority is not saving the relationship: it is your safety and your children’s. That is not a marriage conflict and it is not solved by improving communication. If you are in danger right now, call your country’s emergency number.
If you are in danger right now
Call your country’s emergency number. If you cannot speak, many services accept text messages or allow you to leave the line open.
Marriage conflict and abuse are not the same
Almost all the content on this site is written for marriage conflict: two people hurting each other unintentionally, on roughly equal footing, who can negotiate. Abuse is different: there is a power imbalance and there is fear.
| Conflict | Abuse |
|---|---|
| Both get angry and both give ground sometimes. | One decides and the other adapts to avoid a reaction. |
| There is anger, exhaustion, frustration. | There is fear, and every word is calculated. |
| After the fight, repair is possible. | What follows is an apology and the cycle repeats the same way. |
| Each keeps their own life, money and relationships. | There is control over money, the phone, going out or friendships. |
If your situation looks more like the right-hand column, couples counseling is not the first step, and in some cases it can make things worse. The first step is talking to a specialized service.
Warning signs
- You measure what you say to avoid a reaction.
- They control your money, phone, location or who you talk to.
- You have been drifting away from family and friends.
- There are threats, even if never carried out.
- There is pushing, hitting, or being prevented from leaving a room.
- There is pressure or coercion around sex.
- Your children have witnessed episodes and their behavior has changed.
Emergency numbers by country
These are general emergency numbers. Many countries also have dedicated helplines for domestic or gender-based violence: ask about them when you call.
| Country | Emergency |
|---|---|
| Argentina | 911 |
| Bolivia | 110 |
| Chile | 133 |
| Colombia | 123 |
| Costa Rica | 911 |
| República Dominicana | 911 |
| Ecuador | 911 |
| España | 112 |
| Guatemala | 110 |
| Honduras | 911 |
| México | 911 |
| Nicaragua | 118 |
| Panamá | 104 |
| Perú | 105 |
| Puerto Rico | 911 |
| Paraguay | 911 |
| El Salvador | 911 |
| United States | 911 |
| Uruguay | 911 |
| Venezuela | 911 |
If it is not an emergency but you have doubts
- Talk to a mental health professional trained in intimate partner violence.
- Look for your local social services: they usually offer free confidential support.
- Tell someone you trust. Isolation is what sustains these situations.
- If you are part of a church, look for someone with counseling training, not only good intentions.
Precautions on a shared device
- Use a private or incognito window to search for information like this.
- Check whether your phone shares your location with anyone.
- The button at the top takes you off this page instantly.
Frequently asked questions
How do I know if this is abuse and not a rough patch?
Fear is a fairly reliable signal. In a marriage conflict there is anger, exhaustion and frustration; in abuse there is fear and constant calculation about how the other will react. If you measure your words to avoid a reaction, that is already a sign.
Is abuse always physical?
No. Control over money, over who you talk to or where you go, threats, sustained humiliation and isolation from family and friends are forms of abuse even if nobody was ever hit.
What if my partner says they will change?
Real change exists and shows up as sustained facts over a long time, usually with specialized professional help. A promise after an episode, however sincere it sounds, is not evidence of anything. Your safety cannot depend on a promise.
What if I am not sure it is serious?
Talking to someone commits you to nothing. A call to a helpline or a consultation with a professional exists for exactly this: so that someone with judgment can help you read the situation without you having to decide anything in that moment.
This page is general information and does not replace a specialized service or a professional. 3CORD does not provide emergency assistance.